From Quinn to Beth with all my heart
by relaxovision
Summary: Other people keep a diary, Quinn writes letters to her child instead. To be exact: One letter per episode of season 2.
1. Chapter 1

For **startled_always:** Prompt: _Quinn writes a letter/letters to Beth_.

Because you were right to say that Glee rushed past that plotline.

For those who don't know: I wrote a collection of love letters from Santana to Brittany. The series is called "Dear Brittany". Since then I've started accepting requests for letters.

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><p>Dear Beth,<p>

School has just started again and not a single day went by since your birth, in which I didn't think about you.

Everyone else's minds are in New York already and we haven't even qualified for Nationals, yet. They are singing and dancing and laughing and I do my best to sing and dance and laugh along. I don't want to burden them, take away their enthusiasm, their jollity. They should be able to enjoy being the toddlers they really are. There is no need to drag them down with me.

Also, none of them understands what it's like to give birth to a miracle and then lose it. They don't know what it's like to feel connected to a living creature that is by heredity a part of you.

They never even ask about you, no one but Puck…occasionally. They are quite incurious.

Please don't take this wrong. If you ever get the chance to meet any of them, please know that I don't blame them for anything. Highschool is tough for each of us and everybody has their own demons to fight.

They don't know any better. They are so young. They are as young as I was when you were born.

I only got to spend so little time with you, but I remember every detail: How your little fingers grabbed my hair and how there was innocence, pureness written all over your perfect little face. I remember the exact sound of your voice. It's burned into both my brain and heart. So is your scent. A perfect mixture of sweetness and you and me and something else I can only describe as a unique kind of perfection. Like the water from the fountain of youth.

When I looked into your eyes I could see myself, my future and my past. I could see the whole universe falling quiet in perfect harmony. There was not a single noise disturbing this moment with you. I have never seen anything remotely as beautiful.

I remember the few tiny blonde hairs on your head and how fluffy they were. I could have spent hours just stroking your head, having you pressed against my chest, singing you lullabies.

There will come a day, Beth, when you will ask yourself "why". Why did my mom give me up? Why didn't she want me?

Beth, I wanted you. I wanted you with all my heart. There is nothing more in the world that I ever wanted as much as I wanted you.

Giving you away was the hardest, the most excruciating thing I have ever done and there's a part in me that will forever remain empty. That is the part where you are supposed to be.

My soul is yearning for you, crying out every night, because you are not here.

And yet, I did this for both of us.

I will sound as if I'm making up excuses, but, Beth, how can I give you a family, when I don't have a family myself? When I don't have a safe haven how can I be yours? How can I be a parent when no one ever really was mine? What would I have to teach you?

Maybe I'm just a toddler, too. And yes, maybe I'm selfish. You have all the right in the world to think of me that way.

I just hope that one day you may be able to forgive me.

But even more than that I hope that you have parents who love you and who care for you. I hope they treat you like the miracle you are. You deserve to have every wish of yours fulfilled. Every dream of yours shall come true.

Every wish I have I will send to you, because there's nothing else I want in life than for you to be happy.

Please be happy.

Love,

Quinn


	2. The only exception

Dear Beth,

There's this thing about people like Rachel.

The first time she set foot in McKinley High she was slushied. People have been mean to her from the very first moment on. I don't even remember what came first: the insults or her cocky attitude. I guess they are each other's cause.

You don't know Rachel, but you will meet someone like her in every school. She's the girl who fights and loses. She's the girl who questions all existing rules and never quits begging to be heard. She's the girl who has all odds against her and never gives up. Sometimes I think she's unbreakable.

She dresses weird and has obviously never had a manicure. She's very simple and the only thing she really cares about is music. She's the every day girl you'll find in every third house in every street. And yet, not quite.

You'll know when you see her.

My actions may seem as if I'm trying to forget you, Beth. I promise you, I'm not. Every single of my molecules is fighting the battle of my life. With every breath I die a little, because you should be here, breathing next to me. Oh how I wish I had a life to offer you.

A life, however, is exactly what I need right now. So I will have to ask you for forgiveness one more time. Please forgive me for my selfishness. Please forgive me for making you believe that I'm ok.

Right now it seems I don't have that many options. I can only try and regain some of the popularity I lost. I can only try to be someone again; maybe someone other people can love, or at least respect.

If others can respect me, maybe someday I will be able to respect myself. Maybe you will respect me, too. Maybe one day I will be worthy of seeing you again.

Rachel. She doesn't have to care about such things. She's never been taught that she has to be more than just herself. All she ever has to do is sing.

And Finn. He was supposed to be my family. He was supposed to be your family, Beth. But I made a mistake and gambled away our chance to be happy together.

I can see why he likes her, though. She's so much stronger than me. She doesn't compromise her identity. She would have found a way to keep you. She would have sung you lullabies.

In fact, when the time comes and you go to high school, I'd rather have you be friends with someone like her than with someone like me. I want you to be surrounded by love, not by competition.

For me that is not possible anymore. I cannot step out of my shoes and be someone else. I'm stuck with being me and I will do the best I can to do exactly that.

Finn. He's Rachel's family now and maybe that is the way it's supposed to be. Just because I'm unhappy, doesn't mean she has to be, too. If Finn is her only worry and all it takes for her to maintain her strength is his love, then she is beyond lucky.

I'm trapped between envy, sadness, frustration and admiration. Rachel and me, we are opposing forces. We both fight. We both want nothing more than to exist.

In another life we may have made good friends.

"The only exception". She sang it to him, but I swear it sounded as if she'd be singing it to you instead.

No one matters and no one ever will. No one but you.

Love,

Quinn


	3. And they that know thy name

**A/N:** I know religion is a sensitive topic to talk about. I hope I don't offend anyone.

In case it's not obvious: Each letter is based on one episode of season 2. This is for 2x03.

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><p>Dear Beth,<p>

Faith and religion. Religion and faith.

Can you really distinguish the two? Most people think that, no, they go hand in hand. I've come to believe something different.

I was raised to believe in God, in His power, His love, His anger and His comfort. I was raised to obey the strict rules that come with religion.

And they've always kept me safe. Believing in God and following His path provides us with a structure. We never have to worry about our plans for the future. We never have to ask ourselves what the right thing to do is. We just have to read the Bible and listen and all our questions will be answered. He is our guiding light when we don't know where to turn.

We never have to think.

At least that is what people make of it.

Religion has done many cruel things to people. People have been failing each other throughout history. They've been blind to His love, His true message that we're all His children and there is no better religion, nor any worse. They haven't been fighting for God, Beth. They have been fighting despite of Him.

All Gods are one. Gods aren't fighting against each other. They can't. They are the same entity, but have been given a lot of different names and it is only these names that are fighting.

When I was pregnant with you, Beth, it was a scary time for me. I thought of it as my punishment for disobeying my parents and my religion. Don't ever think that I regret my decision of having you! I don't! I'm glad that you were born and that I now at least have this fleeting moment with you to hold on to. But after my parents had turned their backs on me and Finn had broken up, I felt lonely, unwanted.

Everything else has failed me. Everyone in my life has disappointed me and yet, God hasn't. When I had no one else He was there to give me comfort. Ultimately I found consolation and support in church groups and prayers. Only because of that I had the strength to withstand all these blowbacks, all the insults and rejections. I found allies when my friends couldn't be there for me.

People love to think they have everything under control. Beth, one thing I want you to know, one thing I really want you to remember is this: No one ever has everything under control. And that is absolutely ok. People make mistakes and it's not always a bad thing. There is no fault in asking for help. It is ok to sometimes rest your head in your hands and surrender to the obstacles life may be throwing in your way.

It is those times in which people tend to run from God. They are afraid of relying on anyone but themselves. They are so scared of giving up control that they will rather live in a world without any higher power. They rather blame themselves for everything they may have done, they'd rather punish themselves and live with a guilty conscience forever than to believe that there is something else guiding them always; something they can rely on.

Our faith forms our reality.

They cannot forgive themselves so they deny themselves forgiveness altogether. The unthinkable – that someone else might still love them with all their flaws and failures – is too hard too endure.

Don't you think it is an impudent thought, though? Are we really the highest power to exist? The highest beings are humans?

What an arrogant assumption.

I don't have control over everything, Beth. If I had I'd be with you. I'd be able to be your family.

A part of me doesn't even have to believe in God, because a part of me knows He exists. I could see Him and His eternal beauty when I looked into your eyes.

I will clutch my cross and think of you whenever I feel down. Because as long as you are safe I know that God is out there looking over me. As long as you are loved I know that I am, too.

Love,

Quinn

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><p>Look closely and you will find two references to "The four branches of the Mabinogion" by Evangeline Walton.<p> 


	4. Two halves are less than one plus one

A/N: I'm beginning to fall for Quinn. I can truly recommend writing letters from different perspectives. It makes Glee seem so much more… reasonable and less dull.

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><p>Dear Beth,<p>

I love you.

You are already old enough to feel loved, even though you might not be able to understand the concept behind that. You don't know about the multiple varieties, shapes and colors in which love appears.

One way of loving someone is the way that I love you: You will always be a part of me, even though you're not here, even though I might never get to know the person you will grow up to be. I will love you even if I never get to see you again. And it's not scary. It is something I cling to when I wake up thinking I cannot face the day. It's something to hold on to when I cannot fall asleep. It is something that reminds me to be alive instead of just to live.

Another way of loving someone is the love you feel for a partner. When you love someone like that you feel whole and soon you are taught that you only are complete when you have someone to love. I was brought up to think this way.

Life is a duet, not a solo.

Up until now there was not a moment in my life in which I was truly on my own. It may sound great, because when you're part of a duo that means there is always someone else you can rely on.

I have always been an 'us' rather than just me. I was raised to think that I am only half a human being without someone to care for, without someone to take care of me, or maybe simply without someone else. My parents taught me that I needed another person besides myself to make me whole. As if I wasn't good enough.

It's the darker aspect of Aristophanes' contribution to Plato's Symposium and the wounds I suffered will take a while to heal.

It is so easy to just let yourself being carried through life. When there's always someone who seems stronger than you, you don't have to be strong yourself. I never had to ask myself what I want from life, because there always was someone who'd lead the way. Whenever times became hard I could just duck and hide behind my guard, who'd stick up for me. There was always someone I could send ahead to clear the way for me so my path would be safe.

When you were born all that fell away.

There was no guard between us. There was no other person guiding me or guiding you into this world. You already knew the way. You started to breathe and just like that you were whole and perfect; so small and yet a full human being with a will and wishes and hopes and a future. All boundaries were crisp and clear. You were you and no one else and no one had to tell you that.

I am almost ashamed to admit:

You taught me to be strong. Beth, if you can be strong, although you are new to this world; if you can be strong and continue then I should be able to do that as well. There are so many lessons to learn for both of us and it is because of you that I feel responsible for myself for the first time in my life.

I wish it wasn't roles reversed; that I wasn't such an infant. Out of all people I don't want to be taking anything from you.

Everything there is to know I will have to teach myself from now on. I will have to be strong, I will have to grow up.

Duets, after all, are made for two full individuals, not just one split in half. I can never be someone else's half again.

And although it is bittersweet to let go off the idea, I'm also looking forward to whatever may lie ahead of me. My journey can begin.

Thank you, Beth.

Love,

Quinn

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><p>Poor Quinn. She doesn't know about the rollercoaster she will be sent into.<p>

Also, wow, this episode is really deep when you consider the contrast between Quinn, Rachel and Kurt. I didn't even see that before. I guess I was distracted by Brittana not being on. *awkward* It's really so obvious! Just imagine Kurt singing "The origin of love". Maybe it's because I'm tired, but that would really blow my mind.


	5. Change and smile

**A/N:** Someone asked me to put a lot of Fuinn into this series. As a big Brittana shipper I know how much it sucks when your favorite pairing just won't happen. It hurts. Unfortunately these letters are going to be canon and I'm not even sure if I'm going to even mention Sam or Finn again. They both fullfilled a purpose for Quinn and I'm going to address that, but it's not going to be a love story. Sorry.

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><p>Dear Beth,<p>

To live means to change. You have changed since I last saw you, you have grown, you can see now and you are probably able to smile. I would give anything I possess to see you smile. My cross, my clothes, my name. I'd happily give it up just for another fleeting moment with you in my arms.

One day you will learn that change is inevitable. Change is the only thing you can truly rely on and we don't always get to choose what changes and what stays the same. As we grow older we never stop growing.

I've always wondered why people are so scared of change and I think I only truly understand it now.

I grew up with my parents and my sister in a house where everything always seemed to be the same. There was a routine to every day, a ritual for every event, a dress for every party and a wine to every fish we ate on every Friday evening. From the outside it seemed as if we were a dollhouse full of coin operated puppets made of porcelain. We were going through the motions of a life we didn't own, because we were ruled by a master plan instead.

And yet, I managed to grow and learn and ultimately, change. Not even a household in which the slightest alterations of anything are a taboo can prevent progress from happening. It is programmed into our cells. We are made to become, not just to be.

There are two reasons for why people are afraid of changing:

The first one is palpable. It is the fear of the unknown. They think that if you change you have to give up who you are and what you have.

This is directly connected to reason number two. Change implies that nothing stays the same. In order to make progress you have to shift from one extreme to the other. You have to leave everything behind and enter another dimension full of horrific creatures, a world without rules, a world in which everyone disdains everything you've worked so hard for.

Crash all boundaries and become someone you're not!

If I'd believe in that, I would be scared as well.

The prudish, well structured world which is defined by schedules, it seems to rob your time sometimes. The Men in Grey smoke your life away and puff it out in perfect circles until there's nothing left of you. Of course, this threat is only real if we let it be, because the melody we hear in our hearts, the melody of time never stops. If we just listen we will never be trapped, we will always continue our way towards what will be.

This other world, the new extreme imposes a whole new kind of threat. It is the opposite of clarity. There are no plans. There are no timelines, outlines, deadlines to surrender to. There is nothing to hold on to, as if the ground was pulled away beneath your feet and you fall like Alice into the rabbit hole of mystery and darkness.

They are two worlds of radicals and they are both equally aggressive.

They both are destructive and ultimately unreal.

I choose not to choose between the ultimate prison and the ultimate idea of freedom. They are dull, immature ideas of breaking out, as if life was a fairy tale with heroes and villains.

Even though I'd want some things to be different, it doesn't have to mean I have to leave everything I know behind. I changed and I will continue to do so. And every step I take will be for the better, every mistake I will make enables me to learn.

The one thing I want you to know is that you can never fail. I thought I failed and I was wrong. Everything we do makes us stronger, every day in our lives holds a message, a lecture.

I might have felt like a disappointment to my parents, to myself, to life itself. But, Beth, I never want you to feel this way. There is nothing you could ever do that would disappoint me. Nothing you could do would make me love you less.

Never worry about right or wrong. Never think you have to break free. Never strive after the extremes. Everything you do will make you grow. And every change in life is good.

Love,

Quinn


	6. Never been kissed

**AN: **Yep, that took a while. I've been going through the rest of the episodes of season 2 over and over again and I don't think I have to tell you that everything the writers made up for Quinn is pure bullshit. I went back and forth how I want this story to continue, but I think at least for now I'll stick to the canon themes of each episode and pretend Quinn was sane.

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><p>Dear Beth,<p>

Showing affection doesn't come naturally to everyone.

The way I was raised physical contact was one of many techniques to manipulate the other person. When dad cupped my cheek he was telling me that I'm his little daughter and I need to make him proud. When mom stroked my hair she was telling me the same thing.

I learned that every gesture holds a deeper message and it doesn't really matter what you do after that – it will always be to your own detriment. From the moment you've been touched you're stuck in a cruel dilemma. You can either obey the unspoken order and lose even more of yourself than you already have or you can choose to ignore it and be punished for your disobedience.

Of course those shunning words parents have for their children hurt. They don't even need to touch you to make you feel worthless, to cause harm that goes deeper than any physical wound ever could. Locked in the darkness of your room no one cares about the tears you shed. Your misery is yours alone.

But if they'd just once looked at their open palm and considered what powers it really holds they'd never raise a hand against anyone. How cruel do you have to be to hit a child? How blind do you have to be not to see that a man's hand grows to twice the size of a bear's paw when it slaps a child's head? How many boundaries do you have to break before you can make yourself believe it's ok to hit the cheek that you used to stroke?

And when the very same hand sometimes loves you and sometimes hates you, how do you tell the difference between the two?

Maybe that's why I seem to be unable to love anyone but you. I don't know how not to manipulate others into doing what I want. I don't know how to be with someone just because I like them and they like me the same.

Finn never liked me, that much is clear now. He was using me just as much as I was using him. I think Sam does like me, but he's too kind, too clingy, too sweet. He wants to be with me too badly for me to let him. He's a monster ripping things from me that I can never give.

My dad will never know the true damage he's done.

Wherever you are, Beth, I pray to God and the Heavens that Shelby means every kiss she gives you and that every touch is one of love. I hope she never attempts to destroy anything of your perfection and that she teaches you to be strong instead of weak. May she never abuse her power to cause you any kind of harm.

I hope you'll grow up to be filled with self-worth and clear boundaries. I want you to know what you want in life and I want you to know that you deserve everything you strive for. You're entitled to happiness.

And you're entitled to love.

Quinn


End file.
